Oh, I haven't written in so very, very long. Mostly because I haven't been in the mood, or I've been exhausted. I've spent the past several weeks just so mind-numbingly exhausted it's all I can do to get through the things that I have to do.
Life has been hectic. DH has decided to forgo further ECT treatments. They were working, but he took a few months off for a surgery. Now that he's fully healed from that he's decided that going back for the treatments is just "too much work", even though I'm the one who manages all the logistics. Whatever. It kind of irks me because of all the work that we put into getting him these treatments and the fact that we are back to meds that don't work. It's going to cause problems in the future, but I don't know how yet, and I don't know what's going to happen when it does.
That brings us to The Boy. He's going to be 16 this month. I'm not ready to have a 16 year old child. If he ever gets a girlfriend he's now old enough to date. The last month of school is always a problem. It's been a big one this year. He's really not wanted to go to school at all. At this point he's going to fail about 1/2 of his classes. I don't know if he will have enough credits to become a sophomore at the end of the week. This is finals week. He blew 2 off yesterday. It was a nightmare morning trying to get him to school. Instead of going to school he spent 2 hours just wandering around. He didn't go to school. The bitch of it is that he might be fail one of the classes he was passing because he blew off the final yesterday.
It's very frustrating. His anger is nasty. We are kind of looking into maybe putting him into a residential treatment center. We looked at boot camp kind of things, but they don't accept kids with major mental illnesses. The Boy has Bipolar. Major mental illness. it's not a choice I want to make. DH is kind of ineffective, so it's up to me and I am kind of sick of being the adult in the matter.
We are minus one cat. Our big guy died a few weeks back. He had a seizure and died. It was quick and he wasn't in pain. It was under 5 minutes from the time he seized to the time he died. That's the way I want to go. Once second I'm here, the next I'm gone.
That's my life. That's the way it's been lately. I spend more of my time exhausted. Trying to take care of everyone is exhausting. DH is going on a 2 week vacation at the end of the summer. I won't be, but only worrying about The Boy will make my life that much easier.
I have to get back to my real life for a while. I need to help The Boy finish some homework from this school year. It needs to be done by tomorrow afternoon, so we have to hurry and finish it.
Showing posts with label ect. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ect. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
This week in recap
This has been a long and stressful week. This last 2 months have been long, and while this has been hell week, it's actually the week that is the turning point.
Six weeks ago my husband's depression was so crippling that he couldn't leave the house, or go to family parties. He missed Christmas with my mom and step-dad. This week was the end of 3x/week ECT. Starting Wednesday of next week he will be getting them once a week for the next couple of months. He has responded to them wonderfully. I honestly do not know what was going to happen if these didn't work. He was taking 3 different anti-depressants, plus another med that has mood stabilizing effect. And yet, he had a month that he couldn't leave the house. In the end, the depression would have torn our marriage apart. I know this from experience.
Seven years ago my husband was in a severe car accident. He had a seizure behind the wheel. He woke up in the hospital over a week later. Both of his feet and knees were all kinds of messed up. Since 1/08 he has had 3 surgeries, including one on Thursday, trying to deal with the aftermath. The first 2 were a fusion. The first fusion was done wrong, and it never healed right. October of last year his ankle broke, because of this. His heel was put back in wrong, so it finally just cracked the bone. This surgery the doctor broke the heel again and put it together right, as well as doing other stuff. He was actively in surgery for about 6 hours. All in all I spent 10 hours at the hospital on Thursday. I've been there everyday since Monday except for Tuesday.
The chairs are uncomfortable. I've got a bad back, my tail bone is all messed up and I have degenerative disc disorder. Yeah. So, I've been sitting in horrible chairs every day, for hours on end. Today I hurt. I have a lovely painkiller that I have taken, and has just kicked in. Right now I feel pretty good. I have a heating pad.
I didn't spend as much time at the hospital today as I wanted to, because of my back. We thought my husband would be able to come home yesterday, but they can't control his pain and he is very wobbly on his foot. He has to be non-weight bearing on the operated on foot, so he needs to be steady. He's still there. And I will go up and spend time with him after church tomorrow.
But, once we get through this it will be better. If nothing else, he will be in less constant pain. He will probably be more mobile. This is great.
For good news, 2 weeks ago I submitted an article that I wrote to Associated Content. I have written for another site for almost a year, but none of that is under my name. Now, this is in my name. On Monday it got approved and published. I also put it up on another site, called Hubpages. Go check them both out. Read them both, rate them put comments on them. I put a lot of work on it. I'm in the middle of writing a new one. I like this writing thing.
http://hubpages.com/hub/ECT-an-Alternative-Treatment-for-Depression
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7726538/electroconvulsion_therapy_is_an_alternative.html?cat=5
So, that's been my week. Now my meds have kicked in, and I am going to go to sleep. Tomorrow comes around way too early.
Six weeks ago my husband's depression was so crippling that he couldn't leave the house, or go to family parties. He missed Christmas with my mom and step-dad. This week was the end of 3x/week ECT. Starting Wednesday of next week he will be getting them once a week for the next couple of months. He has responded to them wonderfully. I honestly do not know what was going to happen if these didn't work. He was taking 3 different anti-depressants, plus another med that has mood stabilizing effect. And yet, he had a month that he couldn't leave the house. In the end, the depression would have torn our marriage apart. I know this from experience.
Seven years ago my husband was in a severe car accident. He had a seizure behind the wheel. He woke up in the hospital over a week later. Both of his feet and knees were all kinds of messed up. Since 1/08 he has had 3 surgeries, including one on Thursday, trying to deal with the aftermath. The first 2 were a fusion. The first fusion was done wrong, and it never healed right. October of last year his ankle broke, because of this. His heel was put back in wrong, so it finally just cracked the bone. This surgery the doctor broke the heel again and put it together right, as well as doing other stuff. He was actively in surgery for about 6 hours. All in all I spent 10 hours at the hospital on Thursday. I've been there everyday since Monday except for Tuesday.
The chairs are uncomfortable. I've got a bad back, my tail bone is all messed up and I have degenerative disc disorder. Yeah. So, I've been sitting in horrible chairs every day, for hours on end. Today I hurt. I have a lovely painkiller that I have taken, and has just kicked in. Right now I feel pretty good. I have a heating pad.
I didn't spend as much time at the hospital today as I wanted to, because of my back. We thought my husband would be able to come home yesterday, but they can't control his pain and he is very wobbly on his foot. He has to be non-weight bearing on the operated on foot, so he needs to be steady. He's still there. And I will go up and spend time with him after church tomorrow.
But, once we get through this it will be better. If nothing else, he will be in less constant pain. He will probably be more mobile. This is great.
For good news, 2 weeks ago I submitted an article that I wrote to Associated Content. I have written for another site for almost a year, but none of that is under my name. Now, this is in my name. On Monday it got approved and published. I also put it up on another site, called Hubpages. Go check them both out. Read them both, rate them put comments on them. I put a lot of work on it. I'm in the middle of writing a new one. I like this writing thing.
http://hubpages.com/hub/ECT-an-Alternative-Treatment-for-Depression
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7726538/electroconvulsion_therapy_is_an_alternative.html?cat=5
So, that's been my week. Now my meds have kicked in, and I am going to go to sleep. Tomorrow comes around way too early.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
On Loneliness and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
As I write this it has been one week and one day since my husband went into a crisis support unit here in town. It was snowing the night that he got evaluated so he didn't get taken to the unit that night. They came and helped transport him the next day. This is a good thing. My husband has severe depression. Severe enough that he has several suicide attempts under his belt and several hospitalizations.
Four days after that he went into the hospital. Again, a good thing. I fought for him to get that. His psychiatrist, who I think is a smarmy bastard, hadn't even contacted the csu to find out how he was until I called and complained about it. I shouldn't have been surprised, since this is the same man who changed my husband's meds and then scheduled an appointment for 2.5 months. Seriously? Who does that?
For 18 months we have been trying to get my husband ECT. We saw this same doctor over the summer. He said that my husband wasn't a good candidate, which, in my non-medical opinion, was utter bullshit. Three separate doctors, including 2 other psychiatrists, said that he was a good candidate. The only problem with them was the fact they didn't prescribe it. Dr. McSmarmy is the only doctor in our town to do that. The next nearest are an hour away, in separate directions.
He ended up with this doctor as his psychiatrist because our previous doctor's office closed. This guy was the only person in town to take my husband's insurance. Again, the next nearest one who had any openings was an hour away. We don't have a car, and that is just too far. We do have medical transportation, but still.
Anyhow, back to Tuesday. We went to the doctor's office, again it was snowing. We live in what I lovingly call the Great White North. I love it, but winters are long and snowy and cold. Tuesday was both. I went in loaded for elephant, and wanted to get him in the hospital for closer observation. I would have been happy for med adjustment, even though no meds work, or don't work for long. We have tried them all. Miracle of miracles, his doctor suggested the ECT.
He had his first treatment today. He will have around 10 treatments in the next 3 weeks. After than he will start going out towards a maintenance treatment. That's once every month, but we will build up to that point. This is a good thing. After 18 months, clearance from a cardiologist, which included a heart catheterization a year ago, another cold day. There were also the 2 different neurologists we saw. Hours of driving all over the state, hours of tests and procedures, only to get told no. It was frustrating. I could see my husband just collapse onto himself. And finally, finally, we have succeeded. I can't help but think about how different our lives would have been if he had this done 18 months ago. We are both hoping that this will be very successful and that our lives will be different. I have known this man for 17 years. For most of them he has been depressed, sometimes more than others.
I was at the hospital this morning after his treatment. He was coherent and no short term memory loss, which can occur. This isn't your daddy's shock treatment. There have been huge strides. He won't end up like McMurphy from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, great movie, see it if you haven't.
That is a lot of exposition to get to the actual meat of this post, and if you have read this far I owe you cookies. That is actually loneliness. The first few days of him being gone I got some space. Our apartment is tiny. There is no space for the three of us to get away from each other. Since we have to walk to get anywhere and my husband and I both have physical limitations we don't go a lot of places in the winter. We have had entirely too much togetherness. I enjoyed the hours to myself while our 15 year old went to school. He has been a clingon while his dad was gone. But today, I realized that the house was too quiet. It's already been too quiet at nights without his CPAP machine. I didn't sleep well the first few nights, and now I've gotten somewhat used to it, but it is still too quiet at 3 am.
I realized last night that I miss having him next to me in the middle of the night. Don't get me wrong, having the entire bed to myself, well myself and the three cats who own us, is nice. But, reaching out in the middle of the night and touching him is reassuring. I miss that when he is gone.
Dr. McSmarmy is talking about sending DH home on Monday after his next treatment. DH and I talked about it after his treatment today. We would both like him to stay in the hospital for another week. Dr. McSmarmy tried to blow off DH's opinion. Oh hell to the no. That won't happen when I am around. Maybe I will start going to all his appointments with the doctor now that I have seen how DH is treated. Although he tries to condescend to me. Yeah, keep that up and I will shove Dr. McSmarmy's overly whitened teeth down his throat. Politely of course, since DH asked me to be polite.
It isn't that I don't want him to come home or that he doesn't want to come home. He's bored out of his mind. We are just worried about him and his well-being. And when he comes home, I will be happy, at least until we spend too much time with each other again.
Four days after that he went into the hospital. Again, a good thing. I fought for him to get that. His psychiatrist, who I think is a smarmy bastard, hadn't even contacted the csu to find out how he was until I called and complained about it. I shouldn't have been surprised, since this is the same man who changed my husband's meds and then scheduled an appointment for 2.5 months. Seriously? Who does that?
For 18 months we have been trying to get my husband ECT. We saw this same doctor over the summer. He said that my husband wasn't a good candidate, which, in my non-medical opinion, was utter bullshit. Three separate doctors, including 2 other psychiatrists, said that he was a good candidate. The only problem with them was the fact they didn't prescribe it. Dr. McSmarmy is the only doctor in our town to do that. The next nearest are an hour away, in separate directions.
He ended up with this doctor as his psychiatrist because our previous doctor's office closed. This guy was the only person in town to take my husband's insurance. Again, the next nearest one who had any openings was an hour away. We don't have a car, and that is just too far. We do have medical transportation, but still.
Anyhow, back to Tuesday. We went to the doctor's office, again it was snowing. We live in what I lovingly call the Great White North. I love it, but winters are long and snowy and cold. Tuesday was both. I went in loaded for elephant, and wanted to get him in the hospital for closer observation. I would have been happy for med adjustment, even though no meds work, or don't work for long. We have tried them all. Miracle of miracles, his doctor suggested the ECT.
He had his first treatment today. He will have around 10 treatments in the next 3 weeks. After than he will start going out towards a maintenance treatment. That's once every month, but we will build up to that point. This is a good thing. After 18 months, clearance from a cardiologist, which included a heart catheterization a year ago, another cold day. There were also the 2 different neurologists we saw. Hours of driving all over the state, hours of tests and procedures, only to get told no. It was frustrating. I could see my husband just collapse onto himself. And finally, finally, we have succeeded. I can't help but think about how different our lives would have been if he had this done 18 months ago. We are both hoping that this will be very successful and that our lives will be different. I have known this man for 17 years. For most of them he has been depressed, sometimes more than others.
I was at the hospital this morning after his treatment. He was coherent and no short term memory loss, which can occur. This isn't your daddy's shock treatment. There have been huge strides. He won't end up like McMurphy from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, great movie, see it if you haven't.
That is a lot of exposition to get to the actual meat of this post, and if you have read this far I owe you cookies. That is actually loneliness. The first few days of him being gone I got some space. Our apartment is tiny. There is no space for the three of us to get away from each other. Since we have to walk to get anywhere and my husband and I both have physical limitations we don't go a lot of places in the winter. We have had entirely too much togetherness. I enjoyed the hours to myself while our 15 year old went to school. He has been a clingon while his dad was gone. But today, I realized that the house was too quiet. It's already been too quiet at nights without his CPAP machine. I didn't sleep well the first few nights, and now I've gotten somewhat used to it, but it is still too quiet at 3 am.
I realized last night that I miss having him next to me in the middle of the night. Don't get me wrong, having the entire bed to myself, well myself and the three cats who own us, is nice. But, reaching out in the middle of the night and touching him is reassuring. I miss that when he is gone.
Dr. McSmarmy is talking about sending DH home on Monday after his next treatment. DH and I talked about it after his treatment today. We would both like him to stay in the hospital for another week. Dr. McSmarmy tried to blow off DH's opinion. Oh hell to the no. That won't happen when I am around. Maybe I will start going to all his appointments with the doctor now that I have seen how DH is treated. Although he tries to condescend to me. Yeah, keep that up and I will shove Dr. McSmarmy's overly whitened teeth down his throat. Politely of course, since DH asked me to be polite.
It isn't that I don't want him to come home or that he doesn't want to come home. He's bored out of his mind. We are just worried about him and his well-being. And when he comes home, I will be happy, at least until we spend too much time with each other again.
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