Confessions

Warning: This post will contain triggers for former cutters, and people with mental illness, and likely people who have suffered abuse. Read at your own  risk. You have been warned.




Thinking about writing this post made me feel better. I had everything planned out, what I would say, what I would talk about, the words I would use. Then I started to feel embarrassed about how I feel, and putting it out there. I don't expect anyone to ever read this, but it is out in the digital world, so there is that chance. But, the excesses of emotion I want to spew and vomit embarrassed me. I don't do well with emotion. I often want to just shut it down. I work hard at trying to feel what other people feel, and trying to act like other people do. It's exhausting. I tend to want to push all that negative emotion down, because it just makes my life more difficult. I don't like dealing with it, so I stuff it down until it just explodes and I can't deal with it. It's my borderline personality disorder. This is the criteria I have to meet. According to the highly unscientific test I just took, I rate as severe. Look at the criteria, and apply it to the rest of this post, and see how well it applies to me. They may as well put my picture in the DSM-V.

Anyway, enough of that. Here's what I was planning on originally

I am a recovering cutter. I think of it as being the same as a recovering alcoholic. All it will take is just one blade put to skin, one little slice, one just bit of pain, and it will all come back. I will carve on myself, and hope no one notices. One cut is too many, and 100 isn't enough. But there isn't a 12 step program for cutters. Cutters don't talk about it. Hearing someone else's story can be a trigger. Try to imagine a room full of cutters hearing other people talk about it. It would be a great school. And I guarantee after every meeting, someone would fall back into habits.

But I digress, maybe. You, dear reader, if you exist, can decide that.

Hi, my name is Me, and I am a cutter.

I used to cut. It got rid of the pain. It got rid of the anxiety. It got rid of the anger. It filled the horrible empty hole that exists inside of me. One glorious bit of pain. That sharp draw of pain, bright and silvery and sharp. Then behind it came the wonderful warm and gooeyness. I felt fabulous after it. Stressed out at school? Cut myself. Can't deal with what's going on with my house? Burn my arm. Can't get the adults to do anything about the abuse in my house? Slice open my fingers. Bored? Carve a name into my arm.

Now, I am still a cutter, no matter what. I'm just a recovering cutter. And when I saw cutter, I really mean that I had self-injurious behavior. I have a burn mark on my arm where I had repeatedly burned my arm with a curling iron. It was the time of big hair, so I used the curling iron often. The first burn was an accident. But there was a period of time where I had a constant burn there. As soon as it started healing, I would "accidentally" burn myself. No one would notice. No one ever notices. You know, that's part of what cutters count on. That's part of the pain they are trying to deal with. No one noticing. See, for me, the thing was that sometimes I cut to feel something. I was so empty inside, I couldn't feel anything. That bright shiny pain made me feel something. I could be there and be real. But sometimes, I cut myself because I hurt too much. I would cut myself, and let the pain inside flow out with the blood. Even now, sometimes I want to just cut myself so that people can see how much I actually hurt.

Now, it's been over 2 decades since I purposely hurt myself. Unless you count pulling out my hair or eyebrows. I don't. But, probably it does count. There was a time when I had very short hair because I was ripping it out. I do still pull my eyebrows. I don't count that. Again, someone probably does, but fuck them.

See, here's the thing. I don't feel things like other people feel things. I'm empty inside. I try really hard to feel the same way normal people do. I try to act the way normal people do. Sometimes I even succeed. I can actually look normal to people for a long time. Hell, I've fooled my husband for months, I think. I amy be wrong there, but I don't think so. I work really hard to try to feel the good emotions. I try to stuff the bad emotions down so that I don't feel them. I hide them in a little box in the closet in my soul. I imagine it and visualize it even. I see a teeny tiny box and I feel myself stuffing that anger and rage and hate and pain into that little box, and shove it into the overflowing closet. It's like one of those cartoon closets, where stuff comes spilling out when you open it. I try not to deal with any of that until the door can no longer hold, and everything explodes out.

But still, I often feel empty. It's a coping technique. I learned it when I was being abused. If you can't feel anything because you are empty inside, then it can't hurt. Eventually all that' was left was anger and rage and a big gaping empty spot in my soul. Or maybe a big gaping spot where my soul used to be. I don't know if I have one or not.   I'm not sure that I care most of the time.

And I often think of hurting myself. Not a week goes by when I don't think of it. Sometimes it's all day long, every day. Other times it's just a passing glimpse. I know that if start again, I won't start. But the thought of boiling a big pan of water and sticking my arm into it, or turning the oven on, and sticking my arm on the heating element. It gets hotter than the stove. Or taking a knife and cutting myself. The idea sings in my head. It's like the Siren's song. It just sounds so good. I want to do it so much. That bright silver shivery sliver of pain, and then the warm gushy stuff that comes after and fills me up. It makes me think that it would fill me up and make me feel not empty.

I want to feel not empty. I don't want to live in my head anymore. I hate being in my head. I want to think that other people are real. They aren't always real to me. My family is mostly real, but other people just doesn't really exist for me. Apparently I'm a little sociopathic on top of the bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Just because I don't have enough of a shit sandwich with that. I've reached the point where I can't control it anymore. I can pretend to be a normal person for a while, but it's exhausting to do. At some point I have to stop. It's amazing how many people think I am a normal person, and not one who thinks about what it would be like to fall down the stairs, or run a knife across my stomach. That's not what normal people think about. That's not what they do.

While writing this post, and it took hours, I decided that it was time to call and get a therapist again. I hate doing it. I don't want to talk about any of this. It's hard, and people want me to feel stuff. I don't like feeling stuff. But, that's the problem. I need to feel things. Fuck it. I hate doing te work they want me to do. I know how to do it. I don't like it. It's going to be hard and painful and terrible. Maybe, at some point, I won't feel empty any more. I'm so tired of feeling so fucking empty. I want for those happy feelings that I feel occasionally to stay more often, and not just be there for a little bit. I want to not be this. Living in my head right now isn't good.

I hope I didn't trigger anyone. I doubt that anyone is there, I'm just talking out into the open aether of the Internet. This is just a small taste of my head. This is part of what my life is like. It's not edited. so forgive my errors, which I am sure there are some of. I feel better for getting it out. I've never told anyone in my life what it's like in my head. I think if I were to say everything, it would scare people.

Two things I try to remember: mental illness lies, and one fucking day at a time. I didn't cut myself today. Hopefully I won't do it tomorrow. One fucking day, hour, minute at a time.

My hair

This is me, July 2012. From the back at least. What you might not be able to tell well from this picture is that I have just about hip length hair. That's a lot of hair. It's fine and on the thinnish side. But, it's still a lot of hair. I wear it in a ponytail or braided most of the time. But, I'm getting bored with that, and decided that if I am going to keep all this hair, and I'm planning on it, then I should learn how to do something with it.




So, I did what any self-respecting Internet addict would do, I turned to Youtube. I found a whole bunch of videos for different hairstyles for long hair. A lot of them were ones that I could myself, others were ones that   showed you how to do things to other people's hair.

After looking at a whole bunch of videos, I found one channel that had loads of lovely styles, was easy to follow, and fun to watch. My new favorite hair porn, TorrinPaine on Youtube. She has loads of lovely styles, many of them start from a ponytail, which is great. And most of her videos start "Hello my lovelies" which is just so friendly.

So far, here is one of my faves of hers that I have managed to do to my hair.






This is the Arya Stark from Game of Thrones season 1. It's from when they are at Winterfell. It looks really complex, but it is pretty easy, actually.  










When I can manage to get everything else off my iPod and get my computer to cooperate all at the same time, I will post more. It should happen in a day or two.

Note: Yes, there is a reason that I am posting links and not pictures or videos, I don't want to mess up anyone's copyright.

Sometimes

Sometimes it's OK to breakdown a little bit when you are going through the really hard times. Sometimes that little bit of breakdown gives you the relief that you need, lets you bleed off some of the stress and lets you be able to pick everything back up and lets you go on. It's not the breakdowns that define us. It's what you do next.

The things that matter to me today.

Today I'm going to post about things that I am really enjoying, or really upset about, etc. I have a post coming about Amtrak and my husband's adventures with them, but that will get written tomorrow. Today is about other things.

I have a family member with Down Syndrome. I have known many people with various disabilities all my life.  That's why I use people first language and I don't use the word retard, hereafter know as the R-word. The movie The Change-up has a passage where one of the characters uses the R-word and "downsy" to describe a child. This really upset me, but Rob at Fighting Monsters with Rubber Swords said it better than me.

To get more information about what you can do to end the use of the R-word as a insult, punchline or to describe something as lesser than, check out Spread the Word to End the Word

This is their PSA.

Jen from Cakewrecks and Epbot usually makes me laugh. This post that she posted about her grandfather made me cry. And if you knew how much I hate to cry you would know why that's  a big deal. Go read it. Even if you hate to cry. You will be glad that you did.


I love to read. That's why I got myself a Nook for my birthday. I love to read mysteries and books with strong female characters. The Mary Russell books, written by Laurie R. King meet both of those criteria. There is a blog and Twitter, @mary_russell, that are "written" by the character.  The premise of the series is that Mary Russell meets Sherlock Holmes when she is a girl of 15 and he is in his 50s (I think it is). He takes her in as an apprentice, and they eventually marry. The books take place in the early 1900s, from the time of WWI, and into the 20s. There's a new one coming out soon, and a Twitter tea party. Check them out.

These are a few of the things that matter to me today. There are a lot of political things, but I'm done ranting today. Feel free to continue to visit me and share some things that matter to you. If you like me, let me know. I love validation. If you don't then just lie to me.

You can follow me on Twitter if you want, I'm occasionally witty there. @tetisheri1972

Oh wow! I have had 32 hits in the past day. That's the most I have ever had in a 24 hours period. I'm guessing that it's because I've commented on some blogs and a few other things lately. Well, hello to all you people. I hope that you stay, which of course means that I need to get back into the habit of posting more than once a month or two.

I'm just going to blame it on summer break. The Boy has been home since June. School starts back again in a couple weeks. I'm just thrilled about it. I love having him home, but the last couple weeks of summer are just stressful. We all start picking at each other. I joke around that I love my son more when school in session. It's kind of a joke, and kind of night. Getting space from each other helps The Boy and me breathe for a minute or two. We are too much  alike, right down to our primary diagnoses.

In other news, we're driving down to Boston today to pick up DH at the train station. I sent him back to Indiana for a couple of weeks vacation. I am too smart to visit IN in August, and frankly I have no desire to visit his friends. Anyone I would have wanted to see doesn't live in that section of the state anyway. So, I stayed home. I got a break from him, which was nice.

I hate driving in Boston. I hate driving *to* Boston. I've managed to avoid it for 8 years up until 2 weeks ago, and here I am doing it 2x in 1 month. Sigh. Oh well. He's ready to come home, and I'm ready to see him. He had to get on the bus at 1 am. He will pull into Boston at 9 pm.

The Boy and I are going to drive down. I'll take my music, he'll use my laptop and watch movies all the way down and back. That will make the whole trip so much easier.

So, I'll work on remembering to post more often. Hopefully some of you people will stay around, and read my blog. If you like me let me know. I love validation. If you don't like me, lie. :)

Journeys Through the Interwebz

I pretty much live on the Internet. I cruise it, I work on it, I play it. I often joke with DH that if we lived in a cyberpunk world I would be a serious net junkie. I would just be jacked in all the time. I do actually get away now and again. I read books. I play video games. The Boy complains now and again about how much time I spend on the net. I think mostly because if I'm on the net he can't ask to use my computer.

I love the Internet is basically what I'm saying. I'm also a huge geek. I love Firefly, scifi, the Muppets, Star Wars (Han shot first!) and all the classic geek kind of things. There are a lot of blogs that I follow, something like 50 or so. Maybe more. I've never counted them.

Today, instead of being a negative Nellie, like I often am, I decided that I would share some of my favorite things.

I had never read Game of Thrones, although DH had, before the show came out. We watched the entire season, and I love it. Which is why I love this! Muppets Game of Thrones.

This is one of my favorite blogs ever. Well it's actually two blogs written by the same people. Jen and her husband originally started with Cake Wrecks, and then she decided to share her inner geekgirl with Epbot. If you love Steampunk and Disney and other fun geek stuff, this is the place to go.

I love the scifi convention world, even if I haven't been to a con in a while. But, you always see female warriors, or warrior wannabes, in chain mail bikinis. Yeah, that's how they are often pictured in comic books and illustrations and such. So I loved this a lot.





I think that's enough for today.

WTG New York!

New York is the latest state to allow gay marriage. 6 down, 44 to go, including my state of Maine, where it was legal for one brief shining moment, until the peoples' veto changed that. But it will be again.

Anyway, Mazel Tov!

Everything old is new again

Or: Didn't we just do this?

This is the first full week of summer break. I hate summer break. I am a strong proponent for year round school. The first couple of weeks are always tough as we try to find a routine to fall into. Meanwhile I am really happy I don't have to wake up at 6 anymore. Yay! Not a morning person, not at all. But that's not really the this we are doing again.

So Monday DH tells me that he is having an anxious day. OK, it happens. He can't settle into a book or TV. Still, whatever, it happens. Then he decided to call the crisis line at 8:45 pm. They tell him they will have someone out to evaluate him but not until 11 pm. OK. So that time comes and goes. He calls them back, oh wait they won't have anyone until 1 am at the earliest. He told them he would call back in the morning.

Tuesday morning he calls back because he isn't feeling any better. So they come and evaluate him. First they tell him that they have a bed in a crisis house about 25 miles away. That means a nice break for me. But wait! They have one here in town. That means he keeps pressuring me to visit him. I don't want to. I hate hospital visits and things like that. They only way I can manage the hospital is that they have WiFi and I have a laptop. He can watch TV and we really don't have to talk. It's all good. But at the crisis house we sit in a room where anyone can walk in and out and if other people have visitors they are there too. He sits and stares at me, which can I just say for the record how much I hate that? I have to talk to him and entertain him, or he just sits there and stares at me. I don't think I emphasized before exactly how much I hate that. So, I keep having excuses why I can't go visit him a mile away. Because I think if I tell him I just really don't want to that it will hurt him. OK, he gets a break, so I get a break.

On the plus side this little break convinced him that ECT is good and he's going to go back to taking it in August. Good.

Meanwhile he hasn't gotten a go home date from the crisis house. They are a short term facility. No more than 7 days, and 3-5 is their usual. His time will be up Tuesday. If they don't think he should go home then we are looking at another hospital stay. Then we really will be back where we were.

Fun times. Fun. Times.

Monday I am going to go see what is wrong with my left shoulder. That ought to be interesting

I hate Father's Day.

And here's why.

For many years I was single mom. So Father's Day was always traumatic for The Boy, because there were always father/son happenings. This was even harder for The Boy because his birthday is always right around Father's Day. So of course he missed those. And as a side note, there are father/son, father/daughter and mother/daughter occasions, why are there never any mother/son things? So Father's Day was a bitch for that.

Second, I really pretty much hate my dad. OK, hate may be a strong word for it, but I am estranged from him, and I like it that way. But, I hate trying to deal with Father's Day. I acknowledge Father's Day, his birthday and Christmas for him. And really that's not even for me. If I could I would completely ignore him. I do it for The Boy. My dad is very manipulative and if I didn't acknowledge his things then he wouldn't send me cards for whatever. Now, I'm fine with that, but when he started doing it to my kid I get pissed, because he did it when The Boy was old enough to remember it.

The year The Boy turned one he was really sick on Father's Day. It was the day after his birthday, poor kid, and we spent the day at the doctor's office trying to get him taken care of. He had double ear infections and tonsilitis, was puking and running a high fever. Yeah, I was a little too busy to call dad and wish him a happy Father's Day. I barely remembered to do it with my husband. I went down to visit my mom for a week right after that and dad came down to see me and The Boy and he gave me shit for it. Yeah, that's the type of jerk my dad is.

Anyway, I hated trying to send him a card because most of the Father's Day cards are all "You're the best dad in the world" type of stuff. You really can't find cards that say "You're an abusive son of a bitch and I want to make sure you don't hurt my kid so have a freaking Father's Day card". Much harder to find a card like that. Hmmm, maybe I should start a card company for people with toxic family members.

So cards were out of the picture. Then how about calling him. I do my best to try not to call him, I would call at times I knew he wouldn't be home because I didn't want to talk to him. But lately I have found the perfect way to talk to him. I text him. But I don't want to give him our cell phone number so I do it through SMS messages on Yahoo. That way I can sign out of chat when I don't want to talk to him. He can only chat with me when I am on chat. Perfect.

Now there is one reason that I kind of like Father's day, other than my husband who I mostly like most of the time. My step-father. He married my mom several years ago. When he married her he told me I was his daughter, even though I was a full grown adult at the time. He has always treated me like I was his daughter. He has done more than my bio-dad ever did. I can't wish him a specific Happy Father's Day on FB because it will hurt my bro and sis if they find out, and they will take it badly and they will tell dad. Which shouldn't bother me, but he's likely to mke it harder for mom and me to talk to my brothers. It's stupid and I hate it. But there it is.

So, that's the reason I hate Father's Day. There are great dads out there. But there are a lot of really crappy ones too. Mothers too. I have issues with Mother's Day, but those will have to wait until next Mother's Day.

Boy, there is a lot of updating to do.

Oh, I haven't written in so very, very long. Mostly because I haven't been in the mood, or I've been exhausted. I've spent the past several weeks just so mind-numbingly exhausted it's all I can do to get through the things that I have to do. 

Life has been hectic. DH has decided to forgo further ECT treatments. They were working, but he took a few months off for a surgery. Now that he's fully healed from that he's decided that going back for the treatments is just "too much work", even though I'm the one who manages all the logistics. Whatever. It kind of irks me because of all the work that we put into getting him these treatments and the fact that we are back to meds that don't work. It's going to cause problems in the future, but I don't know how yet, and I don't know what's going to happen when it does.

That brings us to The Boy. He's going to be 16 this month. I'm not ready to have a 16 year old child. If he ever gets a girlfriend he's now old enough to date. The last month of school is always a problem. It's been a big one this year. He's really not wanted to go to school at all. At this point he's going to fail about 1/2 of his classes. I don't know if he will have enough credits to become a sophomore at the end of the week. This is finals week. He blew 2 off yesterday. It was a nightmare morning trying to get him to school. Instead of going to school he spent 2 hours just wandering around. He didn't go to school. The bitch of it is that he might be fail one of the classes he was passing because he blew off the final yesterday.

It's very frustrating. His anger is nasty. We are kind of looking into maybe putting him into a residential treatment center. We looked at boot camp kind of things, but they don't accept kids with major mental illnesses. The Boy has Bipolar. Major mental illness. it's not a choice I want to make. DH is kind of ineffective, so it's up to me and I am kind of sick of being the adult in the matter.

We are minus one cat. Our big guy died a few weeks back. He had a seizure and died. It was quick and he wasn't in pain. It was under 5 minutes from the time he seized to the time he died. That's the way I want to go. Once second I'm here, the next I'm gone.

That's my life. That's the way it's been lately. I spend more of my time exhausted. Trying to take care of everyone is exhausting. DH is going on a 2 week vacation at the end of the summer. I won't be, but only worrying about The Boy will make my life that much easier.

I have to get back to my real life for a while. I need to help The Boy finish some homework from this school year. It needs to be done by tomorrow afternoon, so we have to hurry and finish it.

Ain't Mental Illness Fun?

So, I'm sure I've mentioned before, once or twice, that I'm nuts. Bipolar II to be precise, along with Borderline Personality Disorder and just for the heck of it, a little PTSD, ADHD and anxiety disorder.

So, yeah, I've talked about my mental illnesses before. So why am I mentioning them again? Well, they are a big part of me and who I am. I'm not defined by my M.I., but it is part of who I am. I spend each day fighting it to a standstill. We have come to a compromise, my M.I. and I. Mostly I can keep it under control, with paying attention and good drugs.

But, sometimes I'm not the one who wins. Sometimes my crazy beats me. The past couple of weeks have been like that. Too much stress, not enough sleep, not enough time to myself, too much caffeine and not eating right all conspired against me. Now, I have no one but myself to blame. I know better.

When that starts to happen I start getting really anxious. I can't breathe anxious, I feel like I have no skin anxious.

That's what it's been like for the past couple of weeks for me. And then I get a little manic.

DH has told me he likes me a little manic, which makes me feel guilty for trying to remain stable. I need to feel stable. I don't like how I feel when I am manic, even a little bit, because I feel out of control and I hate that. But he likes it when I am. Very frustrating.

I need to figure out what to do.

What a weekend.

I've been planning all weekend up to blog about the Royal Wedding. Yes, I am one of those people who got up and watched it. I DVRed it so I didn't get up any earlier than I normally do. I also DVRed it because I knew that The Boy wouldn't want to watch it. So watch it I did. I saw The Dress and The Kiss, or rather, Kisses.

I watched Diana and Charles get married, I had to watch their boy. I'll watch Harry too and then their kids. Yes, I am fascinated by the lives of the royals. I love Queen Elizabeth I, and I respect QEII.

But, that's no longer the big story. The big story broke late last night. Osama bin Laden is dead.

Eight years, to the day, since Bush43 declared "Mission Accomplished", the Mission is truly Accomplished. OBL should always have been the priority. Afghanistan should have always been the priority. Instead Bush43 chose to go after Iraq and Saddam Hussein, who had nothing to do with 9/11 and everything to do with the fact that Bush43 wanted to prove that he was at least as good as his daddy. Less than a year after 9/11 Osama bin Laden was deprioritized. Now don't get me wrong, I think that the world is a bit safer with Iraq democratized and Hussein gone. It's just that they had nothing to do with 9/11, and it was a pointless war in which many people on all sides died.

But last night, acting on a tip received in August 2010 and involving 8 months of research and tracking down and verification, Osama bin Laden is dead. He was killed by US Special Forces in a firefight.

I'm glad that he's dead. I'm not rejoicing in the fact that he is dead. I think the Earth is a better place without him here. I hope that his death brings some peace to the families of all his victims, all over the world.

Maybe tonight or tomorrow morning I will blog about the Royal Wedding.

Procrastination

I am the queen of procrastination. The absolute queen. In fact, I've been procrastinating about writing this post all day, and I started it while I was procrastinating about doing work this morning. It's been over an hour from typing that sentence to this. See what I mean about procrastination?

Part of it is I'm just not focused. I have ADHD. Not as bad as my son, but enough. Today is one of the days that I am really unfocused, which is really bad when I have to work on a deadline. And I do. Sometimes I find it amazing how fast I can type 350 words. Right now my record for a 350 word project stands at 11 minutes including proofreading and plagiarism check. Of course I can't do that for all my projects, but ones that have subjects that I have written about a zillion times, not a problem.

But the past couple of days it's really started to be a problem. I know why it is. I'm tired. I'm more than tired. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted from start to finish from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed.

Not only am I physically tired, I'm emotionally tired. I'm tired of being the one who has to do everything all the time every day. I spend hours writing, and let me tell you it's not easy. Then I get asked can I walk to the library, when am I going to walk to the laundry mat and do laundry, when am I going to get groceries, what's for dinner, and oh, by the way honey can you get me this $75 dollar thing that I want? And then, there are other things that just don't happen because it's just one more job, and when I am exhausted down to the bone and I can't even work up the interest to be interested. And frankly, guilt trips don't help the matter.

So all this is goes towards explaining why I'm the queen of procrastination. That procrastination is part of why I haven't blogged in a while.

Now I'm going to finish my oatmeal and fruit and go to bed. I'm actually going to sleep in tomorrow to. Instead of waking up at 5:30 I'm going to get up at 6:30. I'm so excited about that.

Not Nearly Enough Sleep

I haven't been getting enough sleep. I know a lot of it is my own fault and I have no one to blame but myself, but there it is.

Part of the way I can tell that I'm not getting enough sleep, other than the general feeling of exhaustion, is that I am weepy at *everything*. And I do mean everything. I was watching Fantasia 2000 and every single video made me want to cry. Even the funny flamingos.

 

How in the heck this can make me cry I don't know, but it did.

It's probably that I am remembering taking my son to see it. We lived in Bloomington IN then, I was going to IU, and we were members of the zoo. I had a membership for years and we went to the zoo all the time. This is important because as part of that membership we were able to get discounts at the White River IMAX theater. That's where we saw Fantasia 2000. It was The Boy, my mom and me. It was a lot of fun. It was huge. The Boy loved it.

DH got me the Fantasia set for Christmas. I asked for it specifically. I got up early this morning, too early really, and watched it. The Boy woke up and watched the end with me. He was 5 when it came out, but even at 15 he remembers seeing it.

I have a longer post coming tonight or tomorrow talking about this past week. Aren't you excited?

One Small Change and a Little Update

You'll notice that the title of the blog has changed. We've changed from "From My Brain" to "Out of My Mind". The URL will be the same, but I like this title better. It's exactly the kind of wordplay that I like, and it amuses me greatly. The thoughts come out of my mind, but I am, on occasion, out of my mind.

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. On top of being a little out of my mind (see told you I liked it), I've got chronic pain issues. I have degenerative disc disease. I've got a full blown herniated disc at L5/S1 (lumbar vertebra 5 and sacral vertebra 1 for those who aren't familiar with spinal anatomy). It hurts most of the time, and it hurts a lot sometimes. My coccyx is also deviated back by quite a bit due to breaking it twice, plus I have arthritis in my back, as well as muscle/nerve involvement. I have arthritis in both my knees, in the right one worse than the left. I can't straighten my right knee out all the way. Plus I have fibromyalgia. Yeah, I am in general, falling apart. My old orthopedic surgeon used to tell me I was too young to be this damaged. Yeah, well obviously I'm not because here I am.

My knees have bothered me for about 25 years. For those of you playing along, yes, I'm 38. Since I was a teenager they have never not bothered me. Plus I have a lot of trauma to my knees thanks to my brother and father, and trying to learn how to ice skate. I made it through half of one class, fell and tore my anterior cruciate ligament in my right knee.

Anyway, there is all this back story to explain that I have been dealing with a lot of pain recently as well as some nasty headaches. Chronic pain is exhausting and it leaves me not really willing or wanting to do much. I also get grumpy and short-tempered. The fact that there is so much more going on with DH and The Boy, whose school problems are a post for another day, and I'm screaming from stress and anxiety and pain. Sunday I ended staying in my room for about 8 hours and didn't talk to anyone or do anything. Very refreshing.

Just to warn you, you should prepare yourself for more snow pictures. April 1 we are going to get hit with a winter storm, 6-12 inches in my area. The calendar may say spring, but I live in the Great White North. I actually saw snow the first May that I live here. And I think there has been at least one severe storm in April every winter but one. One year in March we had storms every Wednesday.

On the moving to Wordpress thing, I'm not too sure that it's going to happen soon. I have the account, but I'm feeling very frustrated with it, so I haven't spent the time that I should to figure it out. On the other hand, I have just opened a Tumblr account.... I'm quite the social media maven.

As always, prayers and thoughts go out to all the people in Japan. I hope that my reader(s) are safe and warm and with everything they need. I'm now going to add in the people of Libya.

Is it really spring?

Well sort of. It's the way spring is in Maine. My favorite weather man likes to say that March is still a winter  month in Maine. Thursday and Friday the weather was great. Warm and sunny. High 50s. Yesterday and today, still sunny, but only 30s and 40s. Tomorrow? Snow and wintery mix. Yeah. Great. Spring Equinox is today.

Of course we always get a couple of storms in March and April. I think they are worse than the ones in January. There is more moisture in the air, and the snow is very heavy. 12 inches of very heavy snow is not fun to deal with.

Tomorrow our storm is only supposed to give my area a couple of inches of snow. I'll still get up to see if school is canceled. I doubt it will be, but sometimes they surprise me.

I hope everyone got a chance to see the supermoon last night. It was beautiful. The closest perigee moon since 1993. This is what it looked like in Maine last night. This isn't my video, it's from the local NBC station. Blah. I can't get the video to link. Check it out here. Super full moon

To my Japanese reader(s). Japan still rests in my thoughts and prayers. People across the world pray and hope for your country. I hope that you are somewhere safe and warm and that you have everything you need.


On the moving front. Wordpress frustrates me. I am still trying to figure it out. I'm trying to find a way to import everything directly from here to there.

Spring

Spring is springing in my little part of the Great White North. Birds are singing, the sun is shining longer, the sugar maple sap is running and there are ice breakers on the rivers. Yup, you heard me, ice breakers on the rivers. We get cold. Cold enough that our rivers freeze. Not just a little skin of ice. Huge chunks of ice that can run 2 feet thick. This time of year when it gets nice, it's currently 50F here at 6 pm, the rivers start melting. Huge chunks of ice break off and float downriver. That isn't the problem. If the ice pieces flow all nice down the river there is no problem. But, how often do things go perfectly like that?

No, things usually don't go right. The chunks float down and pile up. They catch on each other, they catch on the bridges, they catch on the islands. Then we have ice jams. Ice jams are bad. Ice jams cause floods. All the water builds up behind them and when they let go all hell breaks loose. Last year there was an ice jam that lasted several weeks. It would move downriver some, and then get stuck again. That is a really long time for any ice jam to last. Usually they only last a matter of hours to maybe a couple of days. At least that's what the ones here do.

So every year the Coast Guard sends ice breakers up the rivers. If they start breaking up the ice before it starts flowing towards the sea, then hopefully the jams won't happen. They send 3 up my local river. One of the big ones, and then 2 smaller ones once that big one can't go any further. Every year I mean to go down to the river when the breakers are there and take The Boy to see them. We know when they are coming, it's on the news so that the ice fishing shacks get cleared off. So far, in 8 winters we haven't made it. But, that's a sure sign of spring in the Great White North.

Please keep praying for those in Japan. The news we are hearing 1/2 way around the world is terrifying. I can't even think of how scary it is for the Japanese. To my Japanese reader(s), please stay safe.

On a side note. I have started a new blog on WordPress. I am going to be migrating this one there soon, at least as soon as I can figure it out. Look for the notice in the next week or two.

In the meantime, enjoy spring.

Switching

I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be switching from this blog at Blogger over to Wordpress. After looking, I think I like it better. I'll probably self-host. So we may have some bumps in the road while I get switched around. Just hang in there with me and we will get through it all. Any suggestions are gladly welcomed.

Japan

Because I relentlessly stalk my stats I know that I have hits from Japan. To the people in Japan, you are in my thoughts and prayers. To my reader(s) from Japan, I hope that you are somewhere safe and that you, your friends and family came through in safety.

For all the rest of us who want to know what we can do to help here is a list of several places we can donate.

• Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Humanitarian Services Yes, this is my church, so I'm putting it there first. But it's a good link because we already have resources in the area and can quickly mobilize to help. We don't just help Mormons, we help all people around the world.
• International Red Cross This site is to donate to all their services in general. This is the American Red Cross donation site.
• Text for help. If you use any of the cell carriers you can text REDCROSS to 9099 for a $10 donation.
• This article has several sites to visit to help.

This site has been set up to help people in Japan to find their loved ones and get back with them. If you have friends who are American citizens traveling in or around Japan and you haven't yet heard from them call the US State Department at 1-888-407-4747.  For American military personnel go here. I have since heard that all US military personnel are safe and are deploying to help in any way they can.

As I find more places to donate or give aid through I will post them.

Charlie Sheen

That poor man. His life is crashing in around him. It was funny, for a while. Now it's sad and tragic, and for a part of the population a very scary warning. Now, no one in his camp has outright said anything so we will never know for sure, but if the man isn't bipolar, I'll eat a tiger's blood drenched hat. As we are now stipulating, at least those of us here are, that he is bipolar, I will make a further case that he is in a massive manic or even psychotic episode.

I heard Dr. Drew Pinksy, celebrity addictions doctor, describe Sheen's state as "hypomania". Now, hypo means below, so hypomania means below mania, or a slight manic state. Frankly, Dr. Drew can kiss my lily white derriere. He's wrong. If that is hypomania I would truly hate to see a full blown manic state.  Bipolar mania can become psychotic, and from his latest webcasts he sure looks well on his way.

It doesn't appear that anyone around him is trying to get him help. And hey, mania can be fun. You turn into the life of the party, you're sex, drugs and rock and roll all rolled up into one, you spend cash and make friends. You're also self-destructive, delusional and paranoid. The people on his webcasts are playing along with him, which can hurt him more. Drugs aren't helping him. Bipolar and addictions are hugely comorbid, more, I think, than any other mental illness, but don't quote me on it.

The reason that this is a scary warning for a segment of the population is because we are bipolar. We know that what is happening to Charlie could happen to one of us just as easily. When we are stable we know that we need the meds, but then we start feeling good and think we don't need it today, and then tomorrow,and so on and so forth. When we hit a manic state we feel goooooooood. Who needs those pesky meds? Then we crash. Luckily, knock on wood, I've never had a severe manic episodes. I've only ever dealt with hypomanic states. But those were bad enough to scare me. I take my meds every night, even if I don't want to. My DH reminds me to if he sees that I am moving towards that hypomanic state. Charlie's state prompted a conversation between DH and I. If I end up a major manic episode he is to immediately 5150, or involuntarily commit, me. I told him that if he didn't I would never forgive him for not helping me when I was in that state. I told him to ignore whatever I would say, but get me the help I need. I hope there is someone in Charlie Sheen's life who can and will do that for him. Whatever the reason is, he needs help.

If you think that you have, or someone you know and loves has bipolar disorder get help. It will never hurt to see a psychiatrist and find out that your worries are wrong. Better living through chemistry is not a joke, it helps.